Duration 19:27

I’ve been struggling

by elle palmer

37 596 watched

1.8 K

Published 11 Jun 2020

Hi, I’m Elle. I’m a 20 year old FTM detransitioner. I’m getting one on one again in this video just to talk through some feelings. I love you guys, thank you for continuing to support me through this journey of life I’m on. Twitch: https://twitch.tv/laulypop Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/ellepalmer1 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ellepalmer1 Email (business only): ellepalmer99@gmail.com

Category

Comments - 702

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@Charlie-de8tv4 years ago Elle, your voice IS changing. First thing I noticed when you started talking. Don't overlook the other qualities you have. Take a peek in the mirror - you have a an amazing set of choppers and hair most women want but can never have. All of this means so much to you now - and that is understandable. Coming from the other side of life - things that mattered back in the day - don't mean a darn thing when you get a few years of living under your belt. Its not what you look like, what you sound like but who you are as a person. You have a good heart - that will always speak for itself - your actions don't need a high pitch -because your heart is what people will hear. ... 250
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@RainbowberryForest4 years ago Elle has a very pleasant, mature- sounding voice, and I've met several women before with a voice similar to hers. 357
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@zacheryanderson73634 years ago Here's a little unsolicited advice....I know it will be hard... But turn the sound off on your phone/laptop and watch the first 30-60 seconds of each of your posted videos in order... Aaannnddd here's the hard part.... Do NOT focus on them. Just kinda look without thinking about it.
You'll see how far you've come in such a short time. And you're right... You're young. And when you're young a minute feels like an hour. But enjoy being young... The hardest part is being young is focusing on the moment and the memories that matter... No matter what you look like it sound like... As much as that might matter... The moment matters more... Right now is gone and the next moment is now the last... It sounds like bullshit but it's true... Find people that like Elle for Elle... Not what you look like... Anyone else isn't worth your time.
You'll be alright kid... You are alright. Every one has all those thoughts... Every one... Just very few have the balls to admit it. Worry about you doing you and the rest will fall into place. Life is all hard work, saying otherwise would be a lie. But you do you and find a place in it you enjoy and it will all start to click and the rest will fall into place and will seem easier. As long as you're painfully honest with yourself... And, again, we all lie to ourselves. It's part of the human condition.... You'll make it along just fine and in another 10 years you'll look back and this will seem like yesterday and a lifetime ago. And as hard as it is now you'll find the good in it too. You'll be just fine... Whoever you choose to be 😊 ... 285
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@jenniferwilson91294 years ago I see you as solely a woman, and I can’t think of you any other way. Your voice is part of who you are, and you’re a beautiful woman ❤️ 387
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@ifonlyseethrumyeyes89574 years ago girl...as you get older you will become more confident in yourself (all of you). I get it...I was born with deformed legs. I've been thru about 25 surgeries and finally I feel ok with all of me. Yes, people still stare, but I keep my head up and live MY life. I'll be okay and I'll pray for you. ... 83
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@sabrinanikolinaboj23164 years ago Hey. I have been there. My voice was very low too. I started at 17. You detransitioned not a long time ago so don't worry. Give it time. My voice is not like it used to be, but after 3 years my voice is feminine. Not like it used to be, but feminine. Give it some time. You will find your female voice with time. ... 118
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@jamielynnwallace11254 years ago I'm a 53 MtF transwoman...I started my transition at 49. I just wanted to say that YOU ARE STILL YOUNG. Life is beautiful and full ups and downs...and if you stay healthy, it can be quite a ride. Don't worry about your voice, give it time and if I can alter my pitch , you will too. ... 77
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@5play1794 years ago In case no one told you today:
You’re beautiful
You’re loved
You’re needed
You’re alive for a reason
You’re stronger than you think
You’re gonna get through this
I’m glad you’re alive
Don’t give up ... 54
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@connie_d4 years ago Please don't feel bad about your voice, your voice is important. 158
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@steruset35904 years ago Hey, Trans Girl here. please don't lose hope about your voice, voice training can do wonders for your voice and once you've been doing it for a while it just feels completely natural. I recommend the channel transvoicelessons on youtube, she has a lot of great info and has helped me out. The great thing is that your starting voice doesn't effect how you are able to sound with the right practice (my voice was deep). And if all of that fails and it's still painful for you there are surgeries available if that's something you desire. You are so strong and you will make it. ... 131
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@marsneedsbunnies4 years ago I'm a woman who has never had male hormone therapy, and my voice is about as deep as yours. Our voices are within the range of normal.
I hated my voice when I was younger, but eventually got used to it, at least partly because guys like it (hey, I'm shallow).
Lauren Bacall, Kathleen Turner, and Suzanne Pleshette all have or had voices like ours.
You look lovely and sound normal. You are clearly smart and thoughtful. I hope you realize how awesome you are. ... 35
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@myartprocess60034 years ago Hi Elle, this is going to be lengthy, so I apologize in advance. I've seen a number of your videos. You are deeply thoughtful, eloquent, and beautiful. I am old and have seen a lot of life. I believe with all my heart that as we get older, each day, we get better. You are a miracle. Your journey is profound. You touch the hearts and minds of your viewers uniquely. Traveling your road, you've seen a lot and because of your choices, you know more than many of us do at a young age. I have faced adversities in my time and have found that the way out was so easy, but it took me a long time to figure it out. So here is my strategy: Invest and immerse in your interests. Become more involved in what you love. The more we truly give of ourselves to be better on levels that interest us, the more we expand. We lose our inner dialogue when we stay in the now with a project or special activity, and that has a profound impact on our wellbeing. Although we've all heard it said before, I'll say it again. You are enough exactly as you are. We are always improving. I enjoy watching your videos because you are articulate and succinct. Your ideas are pure, candid, and replete. In closing, I'd just like to say, It all gets better with time. Don't let anything stand in the way of doing what you most love. You're so worth it. Thank you for taking the time to read this. - Love, HoldTheBacon ... 27
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@holliemarie89804 years ago Okay but genuinely, your voice seems to be getting higher. Like now you kinda just sound like a woman with a naturaly deeper voice. And side note, gosh you are so pretty, your hair and eyes. Ah. 💕 75
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@matthewmutz93374 years ago How many viewers like Elle's SMILE ? 26
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@kenzik31784 years ago Tbh, not even trying to sugar coat anything... listening to you, never having watched one of your videos before and you being a complete stranger to me, you don’t sound like a man. My late grandmother (cis woman) had a voice like yours. Your voice is comforting to me. It’s warm and gentle. It is deep, but it doesn’t sound masculine to me. Keep your head up, girlie. ... 22
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@annaheran83234 years ago do you know who Lauren Bacall is? your voice reminds me of hers. and remember, though it's hard when you're feeling down, that focusing on the small stuff will prevent you from seeing the big picture. 57
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@augusta.50894 years ago 💕💕glad to hear you're not thinking about your voice as much !! i honestly swear like ten years from now you'll look back on this time in your life and be like "that was wild" and you'll just be chillin as a rad 30 y/o lesbian who doesn't even think about gender anymore. time changes sooo much. ... 26
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@ohaidenny98524 years ago Your voice sounds like mine! Deep voices just run in my family, I’m a bio female with alopecia and no wig😇♥️ our voices are “resonant” and mature but it kinda puts people off when they’re not expecting it 😅 I’m not blowing smoke here, I can tell there’s a difference between this video and a few weeks ago. The difference to me isn’t in the octave but more in the subconscious performance, there’s a lilt there. Anyways, be well! Thank you for sharing your strength with us! ... 23
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@rosax29744 years ago I honestly find your voice so soft and lovely to listen to and with each video it’s noticeably more feminine. There’s absolutely no need for you to feel self conscious x 19
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@paulaofchrist4 years ago There are a lot of biological women that look like men. The ONLY reason I look like a woman from the shoulders up is if u have long hair. That's it. If I were naturally flat-chested, I would just look like a guy with wide hips. I have never been on T, or taken other hormones. But with my short hair, I can easily pass as a guy.
I dont think your feelings about your voice are invalid, but you don't sound like a man. I know women who naturally have a voice like yours, and it sounds natural. It sounds like your voice. ... 101
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@naufalqnw4 years ago Watched your 4 months old video, I was confused with the deep voice but feminine face. Then I click at this video, your voice is definitely softer. Hope for the best to you. 10
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@VaShthestampede24 years ago I think the spectrum of "woman" safely covers a wide range of vocal tones. 17
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@danf81724 years ago you’re glowing in this video you’re so pretty.. and also honestly, you’re more of a woman than most, because you intentionally are one. Most people never question their gender and the fact that you did and still came out the other side as a woman shows that you know who you are deeper and truer than like 99% of people. ... 9
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@juliajones22834 years ago You definitely look like a woman to me . Your voice is very soft and warm. Xx 33
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@Cooldude-vy9nt4 years ago I can't imagine what it's like for you Elle, but I must say, you seem to me like an optimistic person, you are so strong in my eyes, i hope in yours too. Idk if it's something that might cheer you up, but at least for me- when someone says they're a woman/feel as a woman, no matter how deep their voice might be, my brain will make it sound as a woman's voice, I think i'm not the only one too. I hear you, I see you, and you are amazing. I hope one day you'll get stronger, and it won't be so painful as it is for you right now... You are so important and loved ... 25
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@Mad-ik4fq4 years ago I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I can’t imagine the struggle you are feeling right now and I don’t want to repeat what you already know but in case it helps in any way I just want to repeat that you are a woman. You are female “enough.” You may not look how you did before testosterone, you may not look exactly like what you would have grown up to look like without T, but you look like a woman. You sound like a woman. There are so many women with “masculine” or male associated features, whether natural or not, SO many. None of those features removes their “right” to be female and claim womanhood. You are not alone. I’m a butch lesbian and I simultaneously struggle with feeling dysphoria about being female and feeling that I can’t be or am not a woman because of my lack of femininity, lack of heterosexuality, and often being perceived as a man. But all of these experiences are female experiences, and all of your experiences are female experiences. You are female, you are a woman, and there is nothing you have to do or change for that to be true.
Sorry for the clunky wording. Hang in there ❤️ and thank you for your bravery and openness in discussing these things. You’re helping a lot of people ... 47
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@katymcdonald75104 years ago I'm a cis woman and have a naturally lower voice. I think you're being a bit hard on yourself. Femininity is so incredibly variable. You're a valid woman, 100%. 7
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@georgiapeachpicker4 years ago Thank you for sharing your story and journey. This is so important! 5
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@nantivisant.44584 years ago Like some other comments said, voice training (voice feminization) might help. But whether you choose to train or not, I see you as a woman, and a pretty and sweet one at that. Huggles! <3 20
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@kathleenwhiting13494 years ago Just on a truly practical note- I am not trans, but I have and extremely masculine voice. My son even said the other day 'You sound kinda like a guy, mom" "I know" I am so still tomboyish even at an elevated age and sometimes I think there is something "wrong" with me but most of the time I'm just the way I am. I have learned just to accept the parts of me that I'm not actually trilled with ... 5
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@persona5094 years ago Hey elle, I watched a couple of your videos, and it really breaks my heart that you need to deal with that regret.
I can imagine how hard it is to live with that voice as a woman, but at the same time I really admire how open you can talk about your story and I think you‘are a very strong person.
Keep going girl and please stay strong!! 💪❤️ ... 1
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@oliviaeff41544 years ago Hey love, Just want to leave some encouragement for you. I know this is not exactly the same struggle, but I want to share because I think there is some hope in it. I have really gnarly, brutal, very obvious self harm scars all over my body, but especially on my arms. They are from when I was a teenager and now I'm almost 30. Through most of my 20s, I was so discouraged and ashamed and embarrassed and like you said, I would wake up every morning just thinking about how much I hated having them and how people would notice and ask about them, etc. it ruined my life because that's where my focus was. It made me not pursue professional endeavors because I thought I wouldn't be taken seriously. But I just want you to know that in the last few years, I have decided that no matter what people think, I know who I am and I don't owe anyone an explanation. I want to share this because now I have hope that I did not have a few years ago. I have freedom now that I never thought I would and I have faith that it will continue to grow. Even though you are having to live with this consequence, don't let it define who you are. You are bigger and more than your voice. You don't owe anyone an explanation and the people that really matter in your life won't be bothered or care about it. Sending you love hope and encouragement. ... 8
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@leiay64634 years ago I have been following your videos from the start, I'm sorry you have been feeling bad lately. We can be our own worst critics sometimes, but for what it's worth it, I want to tell you that to a regular person, who deosn't know your history, there's nothing that says "man" when looking at you. I know how it can be so hard not to listen to our inner voice that will find fault with every detail, everything we do or look like no matter what (I have struggled with ED in the past and dysmprphia) but keep in mind that the other people in the world are not as harsh and cruel in judging you or me as we think they are. You have come so far in your journey and are going to go much further still. Sending good thoughts your way. ... 2
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@imkshipa4 years ago Hey Elle! I totally agree with your views on not letting young people transition, and the flex seal metaphor. After I detransitioned, I realised that i was back at square one, and practically got slapped in the face with the issues I had before I transitioned again. I almost didnt detransition over anxiety about my voice, but rewatching my videos from when I was trans, and my videos now shows me the difference in my voice that i couldnt otherwise notice. And i think your voice sounds pretty androgynous, but more on the feminine side. And its MUCH more feminine sounding now than it did in your first video. But I wouldn't in a million years mistake you for a man if I saw you on the street. I think you are making INCREDIBLE progress, and are awesome for posting at all. Also, your videos played a HUGE part in giving me the courage to detransition. I was worried that I wouldnt ever be able to pass as a woman, but I saw the progress you made, and it gave me hope for myself. Just want you to know that you are a total inspiration. Just give yourself time. It's okay to not be okay.❤ ...
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@annkruft62424 years ago Elle, thank you so much for sharing your journey. You are helping more people than you know. You are wise. You are brave. I am an over 50 mom. You are shedding light on my child's journey and I know I will never forget you for the rest of my days. You are helping me during this very difficult time in my life. Life throws so many difficult things at us but we survive and move forward. Keep moving forward. You are doing well. Don't expect perfection from yourself. We go through things that we wish we could change. Awful, heartbreaking things but as hard as these things are, they also shape us. We become stronger and in moving forward we become a source of strength for others. I think that what was allowed to happen to you and to my daughter is based in politics. It shouldn't be happening. It is based in something much bigger than I realized at first. Don't let this take you down. You are beautiful. You are strong. You make the world better by being here. Thank you. ...
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@ql65884 years ago I'm in a very similar situation to you at the moment (also started hormones very young, at 15 and am now detransitioning) and have been experiencing varying amounts of self-loathing around my voice... I don't really have any words of wisdom in terms of managing it but I just wanted to let you know that someone on the other side of the world is also struggling with the same thing and I hope things turn out well for you and you're able to reconcile with the tone of your new female voice, maybe some day it won't be so painful. You're doing great! :) ... 1
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@essentiallylau4 years ago I just went back to your first video and wow, what a difference in the voice! You've gone so far already! And even if it stays the same after this, you are such a beautiful girl!
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@BlindBabeBeth4 years ago Sorry to hear you're feeling down, Elle. 🤗🤗🤗 I really appreciate your honest thoughts. I was in a similar place in high school (regarding your initial transition) where I really believed all of my insecurities and self-doubt would go away if I became a man, or exhibited as male. I chalk it up to my low self-esteem and struggle with mental health (s-h) at the time, not knowing how to find happiness and be okay with how I looked. In hindsight, I'm really glad I didn't go to my parents about it and that the counselor I was seeing at the time didn't really explore those feelings with me. It was a brief moment in my life and I'm glad I can look back on it now and understand why I felt that way.
The horrible thing is that not everyone who has similar feelings has the chance early enough on to have that kind of self-reflection. I feel like we're almost looking for a quick fix in the wrong place. This is at least how I felt - not trying to make blanket statements for everyone. 🤗❤️ ...
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@ottohome4 years ago You are a woman, and a very brave and beautiful one 🙏🏻 And thank you for bravely sharing, it has been so generously helpful. God bless you. 2
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@rosiev31294 years ago You are a beautiful person! Thank you for sharing your heart with your viewers. There may be a 16 yr old kid right now watching and listening to you that changes their mind about going on hormones and you saved them from the pain and regret you have been through. Please stay strong and keep sharing and realize you are a beautiful girl. Life is hard and we all make decisions that impact our lives. What counts is you get up and carry on! ...
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@brainstormhomeschoolacadem10594 years ago Thank you so much for your truth ❤️! I want to give you a big hug. By the way, your voice has changed from the first video I have seen when you started your de-transission. It has definitely changed. Keep your head up and know... your words are making a big difference in someone's life. ... 2
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@MzJust1girl4 years ago Elle, You have been on my heart and mind in the last couple of days. All I can do is lift a prayer for you. After listening to you I think you need to know it is OKAY for you to be mad at the adults you failed to protect you from taking hormones too soon. I understand your mom was scared for you & didn't know how to help. But it is okay to speak out & say that children should not make these life-changing decisions. Also, it is okay to grieve your losses. Recognize your own personal strength in getting through this very unique journey. If I was your mom I would tell you that you are very loved and lovable and that you are beautiful, deep(er) voice & all. You are very smart, Elle and very kind-hearted and introspective in not trying to place blame. I will pray for you every day to find peace and healing in your heart & mind. ...
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@chuckbengis87834 years ago Its so crazy how varied detrans experiences are, I'm also an FtM drtransitioner. I still suffer with some dysphoria around being female but I've stopped caring about what I'm perceived as. For me beginning to reject the mentality of trying to control others' perceptions of me helped a lot. You are a beautiful person who has helped and informed many people. Your voice conveys those messages. I've gotten very physically active since my detransition but it helps me to appreciate my body for taking me places, giving me good sensations, helping me experience the world. You are a woman regardless of what steps you took in transition. You are not at fault and I admire you for pursuing self-truth. That's how I think of my own journey. I hope you come to a place where you can give your past self more compassion. It is a struggle for me too but you weren't dumb, you were a kid trying to find yourself. I'm sorry the people around you did not have you wait it out but my family did and I ended up going for it anyway at 18. We were both influenced by trans propaganda, I also thought I would kill myself if I didn't get on T ASAP. I never got the 'reverse dysphoria' so I'm sorry you have to go through that. I was not as affected by T as you but I did have top surgery and hysto so I understand in my own way. Most of my concerns revolve around others' perceptions and I make active choices to care about my own sanity over whether someone thinks of me as a man or a woman. I hope you find the answers you're seeking, much love xx ...
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@ClubFred64 years ago You look beautiful, and your spirit shines through. Thanks for sharing your story. Its hard to be honest in such a personal way - but being able to do it speaks volumes about the essence of who you are. You are still very young, and time can heal a multitude of things. Press on. ... 2
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@Caroline-gl2ky4 years ago You are a woman. Your voice does not define you. You are beautiful and unique
Thank you for speaking out on your experience. 2
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@donemrys4184 years ago Elle, your voice is not that deep in my opinion. And being the attractive young woman you are, the voice isn't a factor. AGAIN your voice is not masculine. Relax and allow life to flow naturally. You are a soul that has a body, that body is an expression you can relax into, and with time all will be golden. ... 68
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@blvdwika4 years ago You've lived through sooo many bad experiences and I'm sure it made you strong and beautiful (because you ARE strong and beautiful). I have struggled to find my identity too (for a very long time, because now I'm almost 27), and I fount out that I'm a demigirl and a bambi lesbian and I know people will assume a lot of wrong things about me, but I stopped to care. I had mental problems and now I'm slowly coming off strong meds that make my head explode every fucking day and I don't have more energy left to care about other people's stupidity. I KNOW WHO I AM AND THAT'S ENOUGH. And you know who you are and that's enough. I wish you ALL THE BEST!!!!!!!!!! ... 1
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@Nhileishere4 years ago I'll always be here for you while you get past how you feel. You're the best. 3
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@simonsays55524 years ago I am honestly so sorry you’re struggling with this. However I hope, I think that you will save someone from these decisions. These videos ARE SO FREAKING IMPORTANT! THANK YOU from the top to the bottom of my heart for putting this story out there! You are a freaking hero if you wanted it or not. 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 ...
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@xeno47464 years ago I am a tall (1.85) 61 year old women and ....always had a deep (male like) voice). When I was young that was very exceptional. But no one ever said something (negative) about my voice. Some men told me I had a "sexy voice". In the past people said " why do you wear heels"? Me...."because I like it".
Now people tell me
"I wish I had such long slender legs, you could be a model" (me 61 smiling).
Your voice may be deeper than it was before but I think its really beautiful. Embrace it. Embrace yourself for who you are now, a real beautiful women. And you don't have to blame yourself or others for having hormons on a young age. It was a wrong descision but I think everybody (including yourself) thought it was the right thing to do. And EVERYONE makes mistakes. And now you can tell others that it wasn't the right descision for you (and why) and others can learn from that. You can be really proud of yourself. For who you are and for telling your story.
🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 ... 1
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@elina14214 years ago you are very good at describing your feelings. after watching i’ve felt really sad like i was in your position when i wasn’t! i won’t be able to understand your struggles completely and maybe what i’m about to say will just sound like “don’t be sad” to depressed people but... try to not bash your sixteen-year-old self too hard. i made an agreement with myself that every time i make a decision, it is essentially the only one i could make. the circumstances and my state of being (??) at the time were all pointing to one answer, therefore i can’t be angry at myself for choosing it. and life goes on! i hope my message is somewhat understandable, i’m not a native speaker. and of course i wish you aaaall the best! pleaseee be happy, your girly smile sparks something in me ...
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@jacqkam4 years ago Have faith that all will work out. I listened to your singing voice. I think you have every possibility of embracing your now voice for speaking and singing and being something special.
I think a lot of us out here are OK with you just as you are. And if you need to feel more feminine, there are so many ways we gals improve what we got given.
I know you have to go through all these feelings, but know that you’ve got a voice that’s intriguing.
I also appreciate that you need to speak out to those thinking of transitioning young, etc. and I really like your thought process.
Big hugs. ...
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@DorothyJanetoo4 years ago I just watched three of your videos in a row from early to this one and you have been changing and your femininity is really coming through with each video you make. You are lovely. Just lovely.
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@Chelone954 years ago Elle, I can only imagine what you're going through right now, but just let past in the past. We all have made decisions in our lives that we might regret, but constantly thinking about It, will just make it worse. All we can do - and I know it sounds really easy. Is move forward being more aware and conscious of our actions/decisions in the present and focus on the things that REALLY matter. You're very young and still have a long way to go. If anything, this experience gave you growth, appreciation and rebirth. I'm also glad that you see this as an example for so many young people that might be going through with what you went through. Stay strong, sister! ❤️❤️❤️ ... 1
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@merepug4 years ago Elle, you are amazing & inspiring. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. You are a woman in the eyes of many & your voice does not define you. Sending love your way! ❤️
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@GraveFireflys4 years ago I've been following your story for quite some time, with each video your becoming more and more yourself, an attractive young women, your voice sounds more and more feminine, if I met you I would have no idea about your hard, emotional crippling journey. On a personal note I'd like to thank you from the bottom of my heart, I'd been carrying questions, doubts and extreme anxieties about mygender for 50 years, but thanks to your wise words, you've made me feel better about myself, and I'm getting great support for my bipolar, so again thank you so much, your a real heroine. Ps I'm not saying gender dysphoria isn't very real for many people, but it has become too easy to be manipulated by others, keep going your definitely worth it ...
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@lblack19614 years ago Yeah, I think if I were a parent, I would be in a scramble to help my child want to live again. A good parent wants to do anything to help their child, but because parents are human, they can mess up to. I am wondering how your parents feel about your de-transitioning? (You may have talked about this in an older video. I will look back and see). I can imagine that I would feel guilty but still just stand with my adult child and help them through whatever was needed and continue to love, love, and love. I'd admit my part in the decision and my child and I would walk together through it. ... 6
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@portiaolson25223 years ago I love what you are saving. Never heard it before. Thank you.
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@Rootietootieful4 years ago Elle, I just discovered your videos this week, but subscribed immediately because I so appreciate your authenticity. And also b/c I've been interested in gender identity forever. FWIW, to me your appearance is very feminine and very appealing. YOU are appealing. You are doing a great service by externalizing your thoughts about the process you are going through. I am a 61-year-old woman who made a life-changing decision at age 15 that put me through a lot of grief and pain. I regret it, but it can't be undone, and over time I have learned to accept the decision and its results as part of who I am. (It didn't have anything to do with my appearance or gender identification. ) Although I'm not trans nor have I ever questioned my ID as a female, I have struggled with body image all my life, focusing on my flaws, etc. etc. We live in a culture that puts way too much emphasis on appearance so it is my guess you might be experiencing some self-critical thoughts and feelings about it even if you had never transitioned. It is my hope for you that you become more comfortable in your skin over time, and I trust that you will. BTW, I really LIKE your voice, but if it bothers you, why not get some vocal training? Some day, none of this will be as important as it is right now, although I know that's no consolation! ...
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@insertnewuser94614 years ago I’m the second comment 💕 I love your videos, your so sweet and kind. I’ve been watching your videos since you first started the channel 10
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@andirepke4 years ago Your hair looks so cute, such a fun summery look!
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@NameOmitted4 years ago It is amazing how we see ourselves vs reality. Before I knew what this video was even about I though "Elle looks so pretty today with her wavy hair and he voice sounds SO much higher." Stay strong lady. 2
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@angelacarroccia51234 years ago Also, Elle, you are using your experience to help others! God bless you for doing that! 😘 1
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@andrewSPgaynor4 years ago Everybody is a work in progress, and art is never truly finished. Just take it one day at a time and one day you'll wake up and realise you are already exactly where you want to be. It takes time and some times it might feel like you'll never get there. Eventually you will cross an invisbile threshold, and you wont realise you have until enough time has passed to allow for hindsight to kick in. We humans are a silly lot that don't know what we want or where we're going or how to get there or what to even do with things once we've got it, but you seem to have your head screwed on better than most, I know no matter what you end up doing, you're going to be absolutely great at it. Much love from Ireland, you keep being you, whatever that may be <3 And remember to always take comfort in "I know that I know nothing", every day is another lesson waiting to be discovered. ...
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@bunnypunk11664 years ago Your voice is lovely, there is a noticeable difference from your first few videos till now. You never know, a few months or years down the line and things could change so much, don't give up hope! There are also many women who naturally have deeper voices or a more masculine appearance (the iconic Bea Arthur comes to mind) and that doesn't make them any less female. It sucks that we have to deal with other people's judgments or perceptions but they don't know you or your story or how far you've come. Most meetings are fleeting and the judgment of others is not worth holding onto. You can never know what a stranger thinks about you, so pay it no mind. Anyone who is interested in you beyond the superficial will not be bothered.
It's not your fault, you were let down by those who should have protected you - the removal of safeguarding and the ease with which hormones and surgeries are accessed by ANYONE, let alone literally children, is frankly terrifying. The aggressive lobbying and refusal of the trans community (as a whole, there are plenty of reasonable individuals) to accept anything less than 100% validation - no questions, no engagement, no debate, no critical thinking - is extremely worrying on many levels. You can't place blame on yourself, as a child being drawn into that situation, being encouraged to see transition as your only solution and being told to believe that once it was done all your other problems would magically resolve, you couldn't have known any better. Stay strong, you are helping so many other people and have so many others supporting your journey!! Xx ... 3
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@ReallyStupidBiatch4 years ago I think your voice is beautiful. I have always had a low deep voice and when I was doing tech support, every once in awhile people would think I was male. It never bothered me and most people loved my deep voice. I am sending you good thoughts and hope you find peace. ...
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@chrisypbydesign4 years ago Sweet Elle, first I want you to know how important your videos are for young ones considering transition. Most people don’t want to listen to their parents or people close to them when they are determined to do something and think they know what they want. You are providing them a way to slow their roll a bit by listening to you. I also agree with others that your voice has changed over the months. I know there are ways to train your voice to be more like you want it to be. I want you to know that you are enough and lovable just as you are. Don’t change anything about you because of what you think others are thinking. My brother’s girlfriend has the deepest dude voice and she’s never been on hormones. When I first met her I noticed how deep her voice was but was soon captivated by how nice and kind she is and how much she loves my brother. I don’t even think about it anymore. She is such a lovely person. YOU are a lovely person. Stay strong and do what you can to be comfortable within yourself. Things change so fast and so can your mind. You’re going to be ok 💗 Lots of love and support from me to you. ...
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@kayleashelbourne21354 years ago I know this is so incredibly hard, but the strength that it takes to do what you’re doing is something so many people don’t have, and I’m so proud of you for taking this journey. It’s not easy, but you’re choosing to embrace your true identity and that’s amazing. You are such a beautiful girl and I really don’t notice your voice. We love you and your choices are so supported here. I’m proud of you for keeping your eyes open to see truth and I’m proud of you for pushing through. You are inspiring and amazing and your story is going to be so important for other people who will eventually go through the same thing. Your value is in so much more than your femininity or what you feel is the lack thereof. Keep fighting Elle. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. ...
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@sammyskylar41334 years ago I don’t know if it’s only me but your voice has changed from your first video! Your voice is way softer! 4
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@megan6564 years ago I haven't watched many of your other videos before so idk if you talked about this, but you can get voice therapy and/or surgery to make your voice higher. I also believe detransitioners and mtf talk in a higher voice instead of their natural voice so I wouldn't focus too much on how other people sound. Anyways that's just some non sugar coated advice about your voice because it bothers you a lot. For me, I'm not focusing on it that much and if I saw or talked to you in public I would assume you were female. Plenty of cis women have deep voices naturally and it doesn't make me think they're a trans female. I'm sorry you're struggling, but I really think things will get better for you! Thank you for sharing! ... 9
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@PalinaZ4 years ago Elle! Give yourself time. time time. I know it is fuckin scary when you don't know if something will improve or change. It is always the scariest, most frustrating thing, not knowing if there is the chance to grow, form, change.. BUT a human body is so flexible and also resistant. your genetic programme is female, even with you starting testosterone at 16, your body still runs the same system, which you didn't break.. you WILL change, even small changes will be huge in summary after a few years. You are only 9 months off, it's literally nothing. Yes, your voice is deep, I understand your feelings, I would possibly feel the same. But don't think that you won't change anymore, you will. Give your body time, it's soo hard to be patient with something you can't do anything about it but wait, but it's worth it. And to be honest, your voice doesn't need that much of a change anymore to sound completely female again. Deep, smoothing voice of a hardcore smoker, but female 😙 ... 2
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@elisabethdaswani51104 years ago Elle, you're such an inspiration. You're doing so much to speak out against what you went through. I want you to know that you are naturally a very feminine-looking girl and that's a positive but also I think something to do with how you are struggling right now. You need to remember that you aren't going back in time but forward to something even better. One thing I've noticed in myself that when we transition it's like we stop maturing - because we're not living in the real world but in our delusion of "manhood". It leaves us almost with bodily affects of a post - menopausal woman and the brain of a teenager. Taking hormones may have led to more difficulty in different areas but it's nothing you can't get through.
I also want to tell you that I see you as a woman and that fact sees you as a woman. You are female. Nothing you have done to your body has changed that. Some of these effects of hormones are things that you'll grow into - trust me. You have a naturally feminine face shape, you have light hair, your body hair is back to normal, your hairline isn't even that masculine. And trust me I know some women (heavy smokers but that's not the point) who have voices as deep as yours - your voice does not invalidate you. If someone doesn't think you're a woman throw your tampon at them! ;) (don't actually do that - I've found it's a reassuring thought in those situations though).
You are not defined by what others see you as. I want you to go to your mirror, look yourself in the eye and say that every chance you get.
Having said all that, I do understand that this is how you feel when you're low, and I get like that sometimes too - I feel self-conscious about my voice or facial or body hair (which are both way darker and thicker than yours btw - on the note of the facial hair, I find that shaving higher up the sides of my face makes my face look more feminine so don't be scared to do that). I respecr that you've come a really far way and I don't want you to feel pain, although I know that each trial you face develops perseverance and that perseverance develops hope in you, which defeats the despair you feel each time it creeps up. You are an overcomer and you will overcome this too. This is not as good as it gets - this is just the beginning of an amazing journey that is your life and it's going to keep improving. ...
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@pjbloggs54914 years ago Dear Elle,
Your honesty and thoughtful analyses are such a gift to many people. I feel for you so much. It is a struggle. But don’t ever forget how much you’re helping others with these talks. They are gold. Thank you 🙏 and bless you. ...
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@GinaHarmeyer4 years ago I absolutely love your honesty. I worry about kids and their access to information on the internet these days. I know several people with trans kids and one was about 7 or 8 when she started living as a girl. I just worry about what you said, and how can a child know that this is what they want for the rest of their lives? That's a really big commitment. I just feel like kids are easily influenced into thinking or feeling things that they don't understand. I wish you the best and love that you are trying to educate people! ...
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@theotherkangaroo4 years ago Sad to see you are struggling 😯 Wish you could see & hear what a beautiful, unique young woman you are & have become. 💗 1
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@lindadelacy77284 years ago The first thing I thought when I started watching this is that you look so beautiful! I'd kill for your eyebrows! I'm so sorry you're feeling down today. I fight depression, and I know how hard it is to bring yourself out of it. It sounds silly, but I often watch one of my favorite funny movies-- "Young Frankenstein" to lift my spirits. As far as your voice goes, I'm sure someone out there could help you with that. I'm a singer, too, and now that I'm getting old (62) I miss my younger voice. But I can still sing those hits on the radio from my youth in the 70's! Hang in there, Elle! Sending love and hugs to you! ...
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@ambricem4 years ago Hi! I’m new to your channel and ive watched 3 videos now. The first from 5 mons ago, 4 mons ago and now this one. YOU’RE VOICE IS GETTING Softer/higher. You’re voice is probably the tone of mine! And I’m a woman :)
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@justinemercedes13424 years ago Everyone makes mistakes, especially while growing up, its part of your journey. It's always hardest to forgive yourself. Please understand what you are doing is helping many others. You are BEAUTIFUL and even more importantly you are an amazing soul❤ ... 1
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@wintercrandall4 years ago Thank you for speaking out. I am so sorry you were let down by people who were supposed to protect you. Sending love and strength.
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@rubymitchell17104 years ago Hey Elle! I just wanted to reach out as a fellow ftmtf detransitioner here...you're NOT alone, and you and your voice are beautiful and unique! I too have been struggling with how I feel about my voice, and listening to you talk about it has been comforting for me. Thank you for sharing your journey with the world <3 ...
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@savannasenecal93714 years ago I started watching your videos a few months ago and your voice is so much more feminine now. It is clearer and has a gentle cadence now. Wherever you are in your journey, you are wonderful!
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@skarletperretti74774 years ago I’m sorry that you have been stuck in that world of feels. I have been following your channel for some time and I love that you are speaking out about this. We were all stupid 16 year olds with crazy ideas and parents and health professionals should take that into account. I hope you soon find some peace and I am glad to hear that you are waking up feeling better. Your experience is valid always. Don’t let anyone silence on what you believe. ...
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@mawsafgjp46194 years ago I have used this to help me get through some very tough times. I hope it helps you. May your life be full of many blessings.
Be Authentic. />Surrender the outcome.
Do Uncomfortable work.
Be Disciplined.
Be Humble.
Be responsible ... 1
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@WafflingWillow4 years ago During the first year off of T (I was FtM, too), I had the same exact feelings you had. And it does hurt to know that you have a very deep voice and that means you'll have to try harder to voice train...But trust me. I've been off T for 6 years as a detransitioner (I'm 25, I attempted transitioning when I was 16-19) and I've worked on my body so much in order to finally love it. It took about 3 years to finally lose all the "man bod" traits (specifically my waist and breast size) and about that long to train my voice to be where it is now (it's androgynous but I'm confident I can get it higher given more training). It might sound daunting but ugh trust me, it gets better. If a transwoman can have a peppy girly voice, heck! So can you!! I'am SO CONFIDENT you can gain your girlish confidence back (or a new-found womanly confidence ;) ). Just give it time. And you know that it takes time to heal. Hang in there. <3 ...
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@mentalhealthwithalana4 years ago I'm sorry you are struggling and having such a hard time. I can't imagine what you are going through but I completely see you as a woman and I think you are beautiful and amazing no matter what changes happened. 🥰
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@rainywoods950604 years ago Hang in there, Elle. Although your exact circumstance isn't common, the emotional battle of forgiving yourself for a decision you regret is something a lot of people go through. There is no going back and it will just take some time to process that. I know it's hard when you don't see how the future can be any different, but it will be. Just keep working through it. ...
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@Carol-Bell4 years ago Thank you for your openness. It sounds like you are getting through this as a “ one day at a time journey”; and that is good. My brain tends to shoot right to possible solutions.
Have you talked to a doctor about this? A hormone specialist? A vocal coach? Would it help to take estrogen for a few months (NOT permanently, it is risky for long term)? Is there a medical way to lighten the voice?
Would it help to “look more feminine” if you wore a tiny bit of makeup (just a little brown mascara and lip gloss)? Maybe playing around with “girly” stuff would be fun? Kind of reclaiming those teen years when girls do that? There are a lot of cis women with deep voices. I’ve heard them and truly was not sure whether they were male or female.
And most importantly, have you gotten counseling for the trauma you experienced when you were very young? And please don’t even think in terms of “blame”. We all make mistakes, some irrevocable and life changing ones. Nothing to be ashamed of. You fall down, you pick yourself up. Just like babies learning to walk. Adulthood is like that, too.
Just trying to put in ideas and food for thought. The answers are for you—nobody is entitled to them but you.
Thank you, I’m with you, I pray for you too. It will get better. The race is not to the swift, and life is a journey, not a destination. Both of those are true. Blessings, Elle. ...
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@MartinDenStore4 years ago You're beautiful! Thank you for sharing your feelings! <3
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@Natalieplee4 years ago Sending you a gigantic hug ((((()))))
You are such a good looking person - your skin looks amazing and your hair. Your eyes are so pure looking. Hoping for better days ahead for you XX
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@donovanphoenixdarkdirk58534 years ago Love and support to you today. Keep your head up!!!! You are inspirational
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@irenemake28173 years ago Wow luv. You certainly have a lot to deal with. I am old lmao. I struggle with anxiety/ depression. Not the same think I know. But when it all gets too much for me and I am struggling I find that ONE THING AT A TIME helps. Eg. You seem amazingly worried about your voice so I would make that number one. I think I remember you saying a speech therapist can help you with that, so do it, give it a shot. Concentrate on that one thing. You have a pretty face for sure, so that will look after itself. Just make a to do list and prioritise. Tackle one thing at a time. All the best luv. Xo ...
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@ChaCherryBomb13134 years ago You're very brave Elle for speaking out. I have the utmost respect for you and your journey❤ as with your voice I feel for you but I want to say that to me it doesn't sound masculine. Im a Cis female and my voice is pretty low. You read female to me❤ I send you love❤ ... 2
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@dewvid4 years ago Take care, Elle. Thanks for the video. Your voice is still changing, and is sounding very soft this week.
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@SubjectNameHere4 years ago I struggle with the facial hair and voice a lot myself. Best of luck 1
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@MsJajabing4 years ago Elle, you are so beautiful. Give yourself a break. Allow yourself to grieve over what happened. Get angry, because people who should have protected you didn't. You were a CHILD. How could you possibly have known!? It is absolutely proper to cry, scream, grieve and mourn over what you have lost, but not forever. A lot of people have deep voices. It is what it is. I have a feeling that after awhile, those who know you and love you don't even notice. Now use that voice to help others. Be a voice for change. Speak frankly to people about your story, write a book about your experience, it will help you let go of all of it. You are young now, but I promise you in the future, you will adapt. You will. And by the way, people with deep voices can sing too. Sing! Don't let it hold you back. You are strong, young and resilient. One day you will see it. ...
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@marryannc76914 years ago I’m late to the party for commenting & I’m not sure if you’ll see this but you have a beautiful voice. I love listening to it. It’s very warm & calming.
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@chizzy22144 years ago Elle, if it helps, I've not had your videos pop up/ caught them in a while, so I really noticed a difference in you/your voice.
I'm a mum, in my early 50s, and have a daughter (22), she had a brush with this whole farrago. I heard your every word loud & clear.
Love from us in Norfolk, U.K. xxx ...
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@canadianmum20404 years ago 💜Sweetheart, thank you for being so candid with your feelings. My heart aches for the sadness I hear. Let me tell you; you look and act like a beautiful young lady to me. This is what I see. I don’t even hear “the voice”, honey try not to worry too much about it because I bet more people like myself feel like me about you. If I could reach through the screen and give you a hug, I certainly would. You sound like you need one. Or three. I’m not sure how things are with your parents etc friends, etc, are in your life and you have the strong inner circle you deserve and need(especially at your age now, future to but now indeed)
I wish I was an auntie or friend cuz I’d be there when you needed someone.
Regardless of the serious stuff, you are a beautiful super intelligent and are a HUGE voice for the Trans movement so to speak. All you said was right on! I can relate back in my mid teens. I would personally as a SUPER overly sensitive person feel like my life was over too and MY ♥️ breaks that you feel that so strongly.
Please Elle God your name suits you and is so beautiful. But please promise me you will NOT ACT on these awful feeling. Please, I’ve had a seed of worry for you in the back of my mind for months and it’s now a vine growing in my sightline.
I’m here for you(I know you don’t know me but I don’t live too far away and I’m always a phone call away. And it’s not even long distance(if u need me to I’d call you back as I have a LD Plan) but please keep talking to us etc. I know there’s a few of us interspersed in your supportive community that YOU have created!; That can empathize AND truly understand what you are experiencing. You are NOT alone.
YOU ARE LOVED AND RESPECTED AND VALUED. The “other” ppl, that you don’t speak much about......can just choke on their own stupidity and arrogance. They don’t deserve YOU beautiful Elle in their life.
Okay, the mum and big sis in me is gunna shush now. I just truly felt you needed to hear what us community members of your have to say especially at hard times.💜
Stay well&safe darlin.🥰🌻🦋 ...
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@stephaniesmith68804 years ago Stay strong elle!! You are so loved and needed in this world and we are so lucky to have you!! This too shall pass.

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